My World

A couple of days ago, I found myself taking my husband to emergency. He has been having reoccurring back spasms, which have been causing him considerable pain. As they have been reoccurring for the last several months, it has increasingly become more concerning.

As I sat beside my husband, it almost seemed surreal since you would never think that muscle spasms (which is what his doctor has indicated is the problem), could ever cause so much pain. I also would consider us to still be relatively young, or at least not to the point where a lot of illnesses could surface. I knew that he could not be exaggerating though, since he would never ask me to take him to emergency if it was not extreme pain. When they checked his blood pressure (which was considerably high at that point), it also showed that he was definitely in a lot of pain. In reviewing the symptoms with the doctor, it did not show that there was anything further than a muscle spasm but you cannot help but wonder if there is anything more to it. The doctor ended up giving my husband a morphine shot and we went home. We will definitely be doing more investigating just to be sure.

In reflecting on this night, it has definitely left me scared. To think that anything could be seriously wrong...I don't know what I would do. When I think of my life, my family...most particularly my husband and our baby...they are my world. If anything were to happen to them...I can't even talk about that...there are just tears. My world would be destroyed.

Making a Diaper Cake

I recently hosted a baby shower for my friend, which gave me the opportunity to make a diaper cake. I have to say that it was probably one of the details that I was most excited about. The most time consuming part for me was gathering all the materials, particularly because I wanted the diaper cake to have lots of goodies.

I actually would have liked to have taken a picture of all the materials that I used to make the diaper cake but I actually started making the cake before I had everything that I wanted to include. Here's a list of all the supplies that I ended up using:
Diapers (newborn size)- I bought a box of 82 and I used about 3/4 of the diapers.
2 outfits
Wipes
Blanket
Wash Cloths
Mini bottles of Shampoo/Soap/Cream/Diaper Rash Cream
4 Finger Puppets
Lion Stuffed Animal
Scrapbook Stickers
2 Rolls of Ribbon (Wired Edges)
Glue Dots (or a Glue Gun)
Elastic Bands (Multi pack needed since you need mini elastics for individual diapers, and larger ones around each tier of diapers)
Glass Plate
Cellophane Wrap

First, I rolled up all the diapers and wrapped a mini elastic around each one. I rolled from the top end of the diaper to the bottom making sure to cover the part with a picture on the diaper. I did not want any of the colour on the diaper to show on the outside because it did not match the theme/colours of my diaper cake.
Once all the diapers are rolled up, I began to build my cake. I placed the roll of wipes in the center of the plate, then wrapped the blanket along the bottom before surrounding it with diapers. This gives the bottom tier the girth needed so that it is wider than the tier above it. Wrap a large elastic band around the entire tier.

Next I wrapped some clothes around the wipes, then surrounded this tier with diapers.


You can also add onesies and such in the midts of the diapers. I had a white onesie included in one of the outfits so it was mixed in with the diapers; the rest of the clothes were wrapped around the wipes. Depending on the amount of tiers you would like to have, you can simply add one more tier of diapers (without anything inside). I wanted to have another tier, so I wrapped some diapers around a package of wash cloths, before the final tier. Because the theme of my diaper cake was "Jungle Animals", I put in some animal finger puppets on the second tier and a lion stuffie as a decoration at the top of the cake.

I was able to start decorating once all the tiers were assembled. I stuck in the bottom tier some little bottles of baby shampoo, soap, cream and diaper cream. I then covered the elastic bands around each tier with pretty ribbons. I secured the ribbons with glue dots, but you can use a glue gun if you don't have any glue dots. Finally, I added stickers all over the cake. I finished the cake by wrapping it with cellophane wrap tied with some more ribbon so it could easily be transported home by the recipient.

The Importance of Sleep

It is funny that until you have a baby, most people tend to take sleep for granted. I definitely did not think too much about the importance of sleep during my pregnancy. Then of course, it hit me like a ton of bricks following Jory's birth. Thankfully, Jory did not have colic and could generally be seen as a happy baby so the amount of time that he slept has gradually become longer. To date, he has not slept more than 6.5 hours, however, this amount of time seemed pretty good to me considering the horror stories I have heard from parents who have older children that still continue to have night wakings.

A couple of days ago, I was on Facebook and a status update from a high school acquaintance caused me to reevaluate everything regarding our sleep schedule. Her baby had slept 10 hours and he was a month younger than Jory! I had to investigate. She soon led me to a book called "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth. I was definitely intrigued. She explained to me the importance of a sleep schedule and watching for babies' sleepy cues. Essentially, the goal is to put him down during a time that the baby can naturally fall asleep without fussing or crying which is when the baby is over-tired.

I bought the book a couple of days ago and while I know that it cannot be instantaneous, I am hopeful that I will be able to implement a schedule that works. I am definitely aiming at the goal of a 10-hour sleep night.

Carter's/OshKosh B'Gosh in Canada

As seen in my previous post, I love Carter's. Making my way down to the states could basically be justified by a visit to one of its stores. To my surprise and excitement, I recently found out that they opened stores in the lower mainland. They now have stores in New Westminster, Langley, and two locations in Surrey (http://www.cartersoshkosh.ca/). I could not believe that I had missed this! Apparently, the first store opened in Langley in July. As soon as I found out, it was not long that I had to make my way down to a location, particularly since I have a baby shower to attend this weekend and I was itching to buy a cute outfit for the new baby girl.

As with all of the stores in the states, I was overwhelmed with the amount of cute clothing in the New Westminster store that I made my way to. However, they are combo stores in Canada. The Carter's brand was the front half of the store, and OshKosh brand was the back end of the store. I am partial to the Carter's brand as I think the clothing are generally cuter.

In the end (after a long time of browsing particularly since I do not usually get to pick cute girly outfits), I ended up with a cute outfit ($15) and headbands ($5) for the baby girl.

I also could not help but get an outfit ($12) for Jory along with a set of 3 bibs ($9) since it is one of my pet peeves that outfits don`t match the bibs.

In terms of price, I would have to say that the states is definitely cheaper, although not by a huge margin which would make it still worthwhile to shop at these locations. I also did notice that some items that were on sale in the states, were still regular price at this location. I guess it does not surprise me that they are a bit behind than the locations in the states though. I would also anticipate that they do not have all the new styles that I may find at a location in the states. I have not tested this theory yet though. All in all, I think I would still go down to the states to get the better deal (particularly if I get an email about a great sale or I`m heading down there anyways). It is however nice to know that it is available in Canada and it certainly saves on the gas money that would be spent heading down to the states.

Impromptu Trip to the States with Baby

I received an email a few days ago from Carter's indicating they were having a sale. The email also included a coupon for an additional 20 percent off. I had not intended to take advantage of this sale but I mentioned it to my mother in law yesterday, and she suggested we head down to the states today to take advantage of it. Like me, she has an extreme weakness for buying cute outfits for our little Jory. Actually, she may be even worse than me since she always tells us to not buy anything but ends up buying a ton of stuff for him. She most likely has bought even more clothes for him than I have.

In any case...off we went bright and early this morning. We headed out a little before 8 a.m., and crossed the border by 9 a.m. I was a little nervous about bringing baby over the border since it was the first time. I had read online that the birth certificate was sufficient for children under the age of 15 but the rules seem to be constantly changing and just seemed unpredictable. Thankfully, we got through without a hitch.

Our main goal once we reached the Seattle Premium Outlets really was to do most of the damage at Carter's. We did however have to stop and feed the little boy at Starbucks before we started shopping. Then, we were ready to attack at Carter's. It is actually quite shocking that we only ended up spending about $40 there. It was such a good deal! For those of you who are unfamiliar with Carter's, I would describe it as a clothing wonderland for children at a very reasonable price. Here's what we got at Carter's:

3 outfits - each were 50 percent off plus another 20 percent off making them under $10 each!

2 other outfits - these were on clearance, so there was another 20 percent off on top making them both $5.50!

Our next stop was OshKosh B'gosh. This wasn't quite as good a deal but we got a couple of cute things:

Both were 60 percent off making them around $8 each. I bought the dress shirt mostly because I thought it would be really cute with jeans!

Finally, the surprise purchase of the day was a pair of sneakers I found at the Adidas store:

It was a shocking $3.71 (4.95 - 25 percent).

Conclusion? It is definitely worth it to make the drive down to the states once in a while to get cute baby clothes! Only repercussion is that it is very highly addictive and it makes it hard to limit how much you buy, although you know that you're probably getting too much!

Breast Pads Review

Since having the baby, I have tried practically every breast pad that I've seen out there on the market. I guess I should be thankful that I produce tons of breast milk for Jory, but it also leads to much concern for me with regard to engorgement and leakage.

Above is a picture of all the breast pads that I have tried. The top left is a picture of a Johnson & Johnson breast pad; top right is a Medela breast pad, bottom left is a Lansinoh breast pad; and the bottom right is a fabric breast pad from Thyme Maternity.

To start off, the fabric breast pads definitely did not work for me. While I loved the idea of throwing it in the wash, they leaked right through for me so it basically defeated the purpose of me even using the breast pads. I think this would only work for women who have minimal leakage. The cost was $8 or $9 for a pack of 2 sets.

The Lansinoh breast pad is probably my favourite if I had to pick. It covers probably the most area out of the three disposable pads. I found that they never leaked on me and they are quite thin and breathable.

The Johnson & Johnson breast pad would be my second pick. I also found that they would never leak, however, I don't like that it is a smaller and thicker pad which you have to center on the nipple. I did however like that they seemed more sturdy though.

Finally, there is the Medela breast pad, which is my least favourite. Particularly, I hated the fact that they would make a crinkling noise and seemed to wrinkle very easily compared to the other two disposable pads. They also never leaked though, and they are also thin like the Lansinoh breast pad.

All of the disposable breast pads cost about $10 for a box of 60. One major flaw with all of the disposable breast pads is that they only have one sticker patch on each pad to attach to your bra. Inevitably, if you move your bra (such as when you pump), then they can easily fall off.

Postpartum Depression

I want to discuss a serious subject today...postpartum depression. To start off with, I'd like to say that I definitely did not enjoy pregnancy. It was nothing like I had imagined. I guess I had envisioned the romanticized version of it, and I was just unprepared for all of the emotional and physical effects of pregnancy. It's funny because many women have told me that I would miss the pregnant belly postpartum. I can honestly say I don't miss anything about pregnancy otherwise than the fact that I cannot protect my child completely like when he was in the womb.

The reason I would like to discuss postpartum depression is because I feel like I could have easily fallen into a cloud of depression following delivery. In fact, I believe I was quite close to it. This was actually a big concern for me during my pregnancy. A couple of days following delivery, I found out that the "friend" I had previously discussed in earlier blog entries had gone and done something extremely important in her life and had left me out. I was utterly devastated. I was lucky that when I found out, hubby was nearby and I simply fell in his arms crying inconsolably. I cried for basically two days straight. I could not fathom how she could be so cold hearted when I thought of her as a sister and could never even think to hurt her in such a way. I think the only reason why I was able to come out from the cloud of depression was because I basically had no choice. There was family and friends all around me during this time, and many festivities that were taking place to welcome baby. I had no choice...I had to put up a strong front. I guess I should be grateful for this, although I simply wanted to retreat at the time.

To this day, I can't say that I am truly over the devastation of having been shut out of this person's life...all because I wanted her to be there for me during a time when I was going through something new, scary and foreign. I guess it will be something that I will never understand. I still can't really talk about it without crying.

I guess my reason for rehashing this experience is because I think this subject is something that people don't usually want to talk about. We would all like to believe that everything to do with having a baby is so happy and blissful that we don't want to mention the serious issues. I am blessed that I do have the support from family and friends. I am especially thankful for the support from a few other new mommies. I just hope that if you are a new mom, and you feel as if you are spiralling down into depression, that you force yourself to find the support before you miss out on any part of your beautiful new baby's life.

Stretch Marks

Stretch marks have essentially been the vain of my existence since the latter part of my pregnancy and continues today. I am just praying for the day when all of them have faded and are not the horrible very visible red marks that they are right now.

When I first got pregnant, I was just hoping to be one of the lucky women that would not get stretch marks, or at least would only get them minimally. It was not long before I realized that I would actually be one of the unlucky ones that would not only get them, but get lots of them. They are essentially down my inner thighs, on the bottom portion of my belly and on the love handles area. If I were more brave, I would take and post a picture for the sake of being informative, but they are truly too hideous for me to be so brave. I have settled by posting a picture from my maternity shoot, which was most definitely touched up dramatically.

I could honestly say that I have tried basically every oil, cream and butter (including Palmers Cocoa Butter, L'Occitane's Almond Oil, Mother's Special Blend, and Bio-Oil) that are supposed to prevent/reduce stretch marks and I can't say that any of them actually work. The only cream which I could truly not live without is Vitamin E cream since it reduces the itchiness, but as for the actual prevention/reduction of stretch marks, I don't think any of them were very effective. Unfortunately, I think I was just genetically inclined to get them. For those women that swear by a certain oil, cream or butter, I think they probably were not going to get them anyways, or just get them minimally.

Motherhood

During my first two weeks as a mother, there have definitely been many highs and lows. Many moments have left me feeling so frustrated that I began to wonder if I would ever get the hang of this motherhood thing. From the start, I had been afraid that motherhood would not come naturally to me. I just hope now that I will learn something new every day, and it will eventually become second nature to me.

I guess one of the reasons why I have been struggling with trying to transition into my new role is that there is really no rhyme or reason, no pattern, no real schedule to my day. It is quite strange for me to not have to go to work every day and have the familiarity of that routine. Instead, I am on a twenty four hour schedule which is all based around baby's feedings.

Soon after giving birth, I also realized the importance of breastfeeding. I felt enormous pressure to have baby latch, and I felt like such a failure when I could not do it that first night. Thankfully, we had a stern nurse who did not let me give up, and by the next day, it was happening.

Since being at home, there have been many other issues that have arisen which have caused much frustration including baby spitting up, diaper rash, engorgement and hip pain. I will most likely discuss these subjects in more detail in the future.

I guess what makes it all worthwhile is those quiet moments when I look at my beautiful little boy's face...and in that moment nothing else matters...

Jorian's Birth Story

It is quite ironic that I posted about a hospital checklist on Thursday, June 10, since I basically started going into labour on Friday June 11. Let's just say that I never got around to getting all the items on my list although I did pick up a few more things on Friday and Saturday, all the while dealing with labour pains.

On Friday morning, I was at work doing my usual routine. I felt very mild labour pains and even began to time the contractions since they were coming and going. I basically convinced myself that they were braxton hicks contractions and tried to go about my day. By about noon, I was not getting much work done and the Deputy Executive Director at work told me if I was feeling a little off, there was not anything important enough at work to make me need to stay. Although a little reluctant, I decided to go to lunch with my friend/co-worker Crystal, and then have hubby pick me up. We stopped by our friend Dick's place to feed his fish as we were taking care of his place while he was away, and then headed home for lunch.

Later on in the day, I felt this increasing need to get ready for the hospital. Hubby and his friend Samson had spent some the afternoon building the baby's dresser, which therefore confined me to the bedroom as a mother-to-be under Chinese custom is not supposed to see disruptions in the home. After they were done, I convinced hubby to take me to get some supplies (thankfully). We headed to Motherhood Maternity, and I purchased a nursing bra, nursing nightgown with robe, nursing pads, nipple cream and a nursing top, all of which I was intending to bring with me to the hospital. We also stopped by Babies R Us and refunded a couple of items and picked up a changing pad. By about 11 p.m. that night, I was sure I was in labour. I began to time my contractions with an online contraction timer. I did not sleep at all that night, and by morning, my contractions were about 6 to 7 minutes apart and about 20 to 30 seconds long. I asked hubby to call the hospital and ask if we should be coming to the hospital. I spoke with a woman at the hospital who indicated that we should wait until I had contractions that were 3 to 4 minutes apart and 1 minute long in length for at least 1 hour. The woman also indicated that I should not be able to talk during contractions.

I had originally planned to have lunch with my parents but decided I would cancel informing them I was in early labour and wanted to just try to be as comfortable as possible at home. I then proceeded to shower and have breakfast. My primary goal was to breathe through the pain. Having been practicing Bikram yoga for about six years, I have been taught to keep a straight face while focusing on the breathing, during some pretty challenging postures. I applied the same principle with labour, which as a result, led to some skepticism as to the amount of pain I was actually experiencing. Everyone kept assuming I was not actually experiencing too much pain and was in early labour, even as it was becoming progressively painful.

Saturday was probably one of the longest days I have ever lived through. My parents came to check on me after breakfast and visited for a little while. After they left, mother in law suggested that we should try to keep me busy and walk around, so I thought we could go to a different Babies R Us to pick up the video monitor and the crib mattress (they were out of stock at the other Babies R Us we visited). It was quite an experience to go to the mall all the while having contractions approximately every 5 minutes. When we returned home, Samson met us there, and he and hubby spend the rest of the afternoon building everything for baby including the crib, the playard and the stroller. Again, I was confined to the bedroom. By dinner time, I was in considerable pain, which was still met with quite a bit of skepticism. Everyone seemed to think that I was in very early labour and it would most likely continue for another couple of days. I took another shower to relax and headed for bed all the while still timing my contractions which were getting to be what the woman from the hospital had described, although I could still talk during them. I decided to wait until midnight to make sure that I was having contractions like she had described.

Once midnight came, I told hubby that we needed to go to the hospital. He seemed pretty nonchalant, as did mother in law. I think they were both thinking that we would probably be sent back home. We quickly packed up any items we could not pack earlier and headed for the hospital. Once we got registered, we waited for someone to bring us to assessment for what seemed like an eternity. I had at least five contractions while waiting there. Again, there was the skepticism, now from hospital staff. Finally, we were brought into the assessment area. In the next stall, we were sad to hear the news that the doctor was delivering. The girl's situation was that she was only 18 weeks and her water had broken leaving basically no chance of survival for the baby. She had a choice of either trying to make the baby survive inside of her until 24 weeks which is the absolute minimum although usually with many complications, or they could induce labour and she would deliver the baby now (the baby would not survive). I could not imagine what I would do in that situation.

We waited another little while until a doctor came to assess me. He also seemed skeptical that we would be staying as he quickly started explaining how it would be more comfortable if we were at home if I was only 1 to 4 centimeters dilated. However, as soon as he checked, his tone suddenly changed as I was 5 centimeters dilated so we were going nowhere and it would be the baby's birthday! They did all the standard tests on me, and found that my blood pressure was high. I was quite confused by this since I had never had high blood pressure. They decided that they would need to do some blood tests and put in an IV because of this.

Soon after, we headed for the delivery room. For the next couple of hours, I continued with my plan of trying to breathe through the pain as it got increasingly more and more intense. When the doctor came in next, he advised that I was about 6.5 centimeters dilated. He stated he would come back in 15 minutes to see where I was at, and to speed things up, he would be breaking my water. His 15 minutes turned into almost an hour, however, I probably should have been glad because I had no idea what was in store for me once my water broke. When he returned, he checked again and said I was about 7 centimeters. He then produced this long chopstick like contraption and said he would be breaking my water. I did not feel too much except for a huge gush. Nothing could have prepared me for the pain that followed once my water had broken. The pain of the contractions suddenly were magnified a million percent. The pain literally made me want to leave my body. I knew I had to ask for something for the pain. I first tried the laughing gas, but thought that was a complete waste of time. Not only did I not feel any relief, it was actually annoying to hold the contraption needed to breathe in the gas. I basically gave it to hubby after trying it for one contraction. It was at this point that I seriously considered getting an epidural, particularly since it seemed to take the nurses a million years to get the next level of drugs, which was a morphine like drug called Fentanyl. Thankfully, when it finally kicked in, it was just enough to knock me out in between contractions. While I still heard everything going on around me, I basically allowed myself to pass out in between, and then work through the contractions once they hit. Soon after, the urge to push began. However, the nurse instructed me that I should not push and just focus on the breathing because I was not fully dilated yet. This was probably one of the hardest things to do, not push when you have the urge to push and it seemed to last forever. Finally, another doctor came in and when she checked, she told me I was fully ready to push as I was "plus two". This was when I decided to full on start screaming, but I was instructed to instead internalize it and use it in my pushing. Another problem was that I was unable to urinate, so they ended up having to empty my bladder for me. That was probably one of the worst contractions for me as I could not push and the urge to push was so extreme. The pushing lasted about an hour and a half, which again seemed like an eternity. I was so relieved when the nurse paged the doctor for delivery. Hubby best describes this part since he had a front row seat. He told me that when the doctor came in, approximately half of the baby's head was out. He instructed me to push and as the baby came out further, the doctor "pushed me in" and then pulled our baby out. The umbilical cord was quite short so they got hubby to cut it right away and there he was on top of me...our perfect little baby boy. Little Jorian arrived exactly at 10 a.m. weighing 6 lbs. 7 oz.

Hospital Checklist

I’ve always loved making lists. I think it gives me a sense of control in such a disorganized crazy world. I am probably actually already late in making this list since I can go into labour pretty much at any time. I did however think it would be helpful for anyone else in this situation to have a guide. I know that the hospital’s information pamphlet included a checklist, but I found that the list was quite general. Here’s a copy of my personal list. I do tend to over-pack though, so I would make adjustments according to your wants/needs.

For mom:
o Pajamas or Nightgown (preferably something with buttons on top for easy access)
o Underwear
o Nursing Bra
o Breast Pads
o Package of Maxi Pads
o Sports bra or top half of two piece swimsuit (for a bath while being somewhat decent)
o Socks
o Slippers
o Nursing Pillow
o Toiletries (Toothbrush/toothpaste, shampoo/conditioner, soap/body wash, cream)
o Brush
o Hairdryer
o Make up
o Body Lotion/cream/oil/butter
o Phone Charger
o Going Home Outfit

For Support Person:
o Change of Clothes
o Pajamas
o Toiletries (see above)
o Sleeping Bag
o Camera/Charger
o Camcorder/Charger
o Phone Charger
o CDs with relaxing music
o Focal Point Object
o Snacks
o Book/Magazines
o Money for Snacks/Entertainment
o Straws (for Mom when you are giving her something to drink)
o Birth Plan

For Baby:
o Two Outfits
o Receiving Blanket
o Socks/Booties
o Mittens
o Cap
o Blanket for going home
o Baby Footprint Kit
o Car Seat

Hopefully, I have been pretty thorough. I plan to gather up a few more supplies this weekend from the list (if I make it there). Let me know if I have forgotten anything!

Body after Baby

Hubby started complaining last night about my obsession about weight last night. Having struggled immensely with my weight for most of my life, this has been a huge concern for me particularly throughout my pregnancy, and I believe it will continue on (perhaps even more intensely) once the baby is born. A bit of history about me was that I was a gymnast for most of my childhood, and was actually pretty scrawny at that time. When I decided that gymnastics was not for me and quit the sport, my weight ballooned, something that my parents probably did not anticipate. From that time on, I have struggled with my weight. It took me many years to come to terms that I simply did not have the ideal Asian body, and I was essentially just more curvy and had a larger frame than the average Asian girl. Although aware of this fact, I still spent an enormous amount of time comparing myself to other Asian girls, and longing for their stick-like figures. Perhaps the only positive thing about this, is that it has taught me to become a very determined person, as well as someone that could be seen as quite motivated.

Prior to becoming pregnant, I had settled into a pretty strict exercise regime. I did Bikram yoga at least three days a week and went to jog/work out at least two days a week. I also was very cognizant of my food intake, focusing on portion control. Furthermore, I could be seen as a workaholic. Having been forced to deal with financial debt, I have held more than one job for many years, even four at a time at one point. Consequently, along with my exercise regime, I was also working long hours. I guess it was not until I actually got pregnant that the reality set in regarding the effects it would have on my body, particularly the dramatic weight gain. While I still continued to go to my Bikram yoga classes three times a week, I knew I could not work out, particularly as there was weight training involved. I also knew that I could not be working all the time, causing me to quit two of my part time jobs. While I knew that I was doing all of this for the greater good, I also knew that I was in trouble, particularly as the hunger pangs started and the routine weighing at the OBGYN visits began. Every time I have stepped on the scale, the panic set in again. It is especially troubling now that I am in my last month and visiting my OBGYN on a weekly basis.

With my yoga classes becoming increasingly difficult (for those of you who are not familiar with Bikram yoga, it is 26 postures done in a heated room and considered a more intense workout than many other yogas), I thought that swimming would be a decent alternative until the birth of the baby. Hubby did not seem to understand my obsession for replacing the activity, and asked why I could not just take it easy for the last couple of weeks. I really could not answer his question. Friends who have recently given birth (and lost the majority of the weight) try to reassure me that the weight will come off, as I will be burning calories through breastfeeding, however, I just cannot seem to shake my concerns. I could only pray that they are right. In the meantime, I started reading Body after Baby by Jackie Keller. Hopefully, I will feel somewhat empowered from reading this book, and be ready to tackle the task of losing the weight once baby is born.

Baby's Room

Today, we purchased a mobile and wall border for the baby's room. I was pretty psyched since it was yet another step towards getting the room "babyfied". As suspected, hubby really wanted to make sure that the room was very boyish, which basically meant that we were pretty much going with the jock theme. We had made our way to both West Coast Kids and TJ's the Kiddies Store. While I loved many of the wall appliques at West Coast Kids, I think hubby just did not think they were "boyish" enough. I found the wall border right away when we got to TJ's since we had actually talked about ordering it at West Coast Kids. The mobile actually was just a impulse buy since it was on sale, and it matched perfectly. I think that having both the bassinet built, and these couple of items really made it all the more real for me.

Last night, I woke up several times with a tight feeling in my stomach, most likely Braxton Hicks contractions. Many thoughts went through my head at that point...and while I was ready physically, I just felt like there were still things I wanted to get done. First of all, I am still working...I have actually aligned my parental leave to begin at the point that it would not disrupt a pay period. I know...that seems absolutely crazy...it should not actually work out so logically. Another thing that bothered me was that I also do not have my diaper bag yet. I purchased the Stevie Baby Bag from Kate Spade already, but I am waiting for a friend to pick it up for me in the states. So really...I was not ready. I mean...I do not even have the bag that I want to pack all the stuff I want to bring to the hospital.

The mind of a pregnant woman...pretty illogical probably to the rest of the world...

Coming to Terms...

I have found that coming to terms with certain traumatic/emotional events in life is often a slow process. While life continues to evolve, and the elapse of time does help to mend a broken heart, there are still triggers in life which cause emotions to become as fresh as ever. It is these moments that I wish I could just turn off my emotions like a light switch, or teach myself to become more positive. However, this usually just does not happen.

Over the weekend, I had my baby shower. Being full term and anticipating going into labour at any moment definitely made it a more exhausting event, but I was absolutely awestruck to find myself amidst an enormous amount of love and support. There were all these people who not only brought material items for the baby, but provided emotional support as well. I felt absolutely overwhelmed and incredibly grateful. I hoped that baby could feel those feelings through me at that point. As quickly as I was overwhelmed by those feelings though, a twinge appeared out of nowhere. Again, there were those feelings of the loss of a friend which I seem to not be able to shake. In my head, I know it is absolutely ridiculous to dwell on a person who has simply turned their back on me, but in my heart…well…that is a different story. The tears welled up at the end of the day with the departure of the last of our friends, and with the acknowledgement that this person would not be arriving. Again…I was heartbroken…the moment in the bathroom was certainly not pretty. Later that night, I discussed my heartbreak to the hubby who was all too rational. Males really do not understand these types of feelings…after all…are emotions really rational in general?

They say time will mend all wounds, but does it really? The memories do fade, but I am often still caught off guard when feelings from childhood, my teenage years and beyond, resurface when triggered by current events.

I really do hope that our baby boy does not inherit my sensitivity.

On another note, one of my favorite gifts received from the baby shower is a bassinet from hubby's cousin. Here it is all built. What do you think?

Determination

Sometimes it is hard for me to even collect my thoughts. I have found that in this latter part of my pregnancy, I have tried to come to terms with my mental well-being and I have tried continuously to still my mind from wandering thoughts, but this is not always possible. Inevitably, there are some breakdowns. Keeping busy has truly helped, although there are always a few quiet moments…those are the moments that I fear.

Recently, we were informed that physically, I was ready to deliver this baby. I welcome the end to the physical discomfort of pregnancy; however, I know that a new can of worms is waiting to be opened. A new chapter of life is waiting to be written. I am trying with all my strength to stay positive and not succumb to the feelings of insecurity and doubt.

When looking at those ghastly stretch marks which have been the plague of my existence for the latter half of my pregnancy, it almost seems as if they symbolize my emotional scars. Right now, they are raw and red. The wounds are fresh. I know that they will eventually fade, become white and less noticeable. I can only hope that this happens quicker than anticipated, both physically and mentally.

I am determined to be a good mother, and I have always fought when it was needed in life. I guess I must go into this stage of my life ready to fight, not only for myself but also for my baby now. If it means looking for support elsewhere than I originally thought I would be receiving support, that’s what I’ll have to do.

Sensitivity...

I do not think it is ever pleasant for anyone to feel lonely any time in life. However, I also believe that when you are lonely and pregnant, the situation is magnified 100 percent. During the last few days (perhaps because I have not been very busy), I have been having a really hard time trying to shake the feeling of loneliness and sadness. The heartbreak I had described in my last blog seems ever so present, and I feel as if I am walking in a cloud for most of the day. To make matters worse, the baby seems to be dropping down lower and the weight of him is becoming very heavy. Trying to go about my daily routine is consequently becoming more and more difficult.

Exactly a year ago, I was on my honeymoon and in probably the best shape of my life. I had such high hopes for the future and our plans. Now, although everything is seemingly still on course, I am feeling angst and not satisfied with my place in life right now. While I am hopeful that everything will fall in place the moment I have our baby boy in my arms, it is still frightening. It is also extremely unsettling to feel like I am embarking on this new chapter in life with not a friend in sight. I wish I was being melodramatic, but this is honestly how I feel at this time. I am also extremely concerned that I may never lose the baby weight, which would definitely not help my already extremely insecure self esteem.

On the outside, I am trying my best to maintain the persona of contentment. Particularly to family, it is important that I remain positive for the baby. I would not want to cause the commotion of everyone becoming aware of my depressed state. I feel quite drained from trying to uphold this persona. By the time I go to bed, I am usually exhausted, although I still manage to wake up several times at night feeling at a loss, sometimes succumbing to the tears that seem to well up in my eyes quite easily.

I could only pray that my baby’s personality will not be anything like my own. To have been cursed with sensitivity, the last thing I would want is my baby to have to endure the trials and tribulations of having a personality that does not deflect harsh words. I want him to have a strong back bone, allowing unwanted criticism and judgment to simply roll off his back.

One of the visions that I have recently been having involves me being completed isolated and secluded with the baby at home. I am so afraid of the loneliness of this time, particularly because we are unable to leave home for the first month after birth as per Chinese custom. What if nobody visits? My biggest fears would be confirmed.

Heartbroken...

My emotions have been all over the map in the last few weeks. It has been a rollercoaster ride to say the least. I went from a high (when we found out that we were having a boy) to an extreme low (when I found out someone I thought I knew so well, turned out to be someone completely different than I had thought). There was also a brief vacation in the midst of it all, which made me temporarily remove myself from reality.

The experience of finding out the gender of my baby was incredible. We went for a 3D ultrasound, which felt like we met our baby for the first time. We watched him for half an hour while he moved around, yawned, and seemingly got angry at us for invading on his private time. As we stared at his little features, the reality of this baby seemed to set in. His little features seem to be an exact replica of his father. Our little baby boy could now be seen as a distinct individual from all other babies. I would recommend this experience to any mother/father-to-be.

Amidst this great moment in our lives though, I could not help but feel that something was askew; a person in particular that had basically removed herself completely from my life. It had been a feeling I could not shake for some time now. I have reflected on the loneliness of pregnancy on several previous blogs, but I know that this feeling is in direct correlation with the relationship (or lack thereof) with this person. I know it is stupid that I could let a single individual affect me in this way (possibly even having an effect on my baby), but for some reason, it has been haunting me. I am torn when remembering the person I thought I knew, and then acknowledging the person as she is presenting herself to me now. In confronting her, she simply disregarded my concerns and placed the blame on me. I would honestly like to believe that it was my hormones or there were other outside forces, and it was not really her. I do not feel I am not rational though. So I am left looking like a fool…a fool for expecting the warmth of a friend.

I am utterly heartbroken.

Depression...

Depression...emotions that have recently caused much concern for both the wellbeing of myself and my baby. Depression seems to almost be synonymous with pregnancy nowadays with all of the changes that occur during this time, along with the juggling act women seem to need to do in life. I definitely never envisioned that this would be a serious concern for me, however, now it seems to be the reality I am facing, no matter how I try to be balanced and maintain my mental health.

Perhaps I also had been fooled to think that I had a strong support system in place. Now being at this place in my life, it has become one of the loneliest times of my life. Recently, I have been feeling completely isolated from the rest of the world, and nobody seems to have the time of day for me. It is a completely helpless feeling that has made me find myself in tears sporadically. When trying to look at these emotions rationally, I know that there are so many changes going on both physically and mentally, that it is only natural to feel emotional. However, this does not make any of it easier. I had also thought that my yoga regiment may help in balancing my emotions as well, but it just makes me wonder how much more I would be spiraling downward if I did not have the yoga to calm my mind a little bit.

With my emotional state being the way that it is currently, I am truly concerned about post partum depression. The last thing I would want is to miss out on any part of my baby's life because I could not get myself out of a cloud of depression. I don't know where to turn...but can only hope to emerge out on the other side...

The Love for your Child...

I have now reached 24 weeks, the third trimester. I must now brace myself for my tummy to expand even more dramatically, and am wondering how my nesting instincts will be. I would not be surprised to find myself frantically cleaning the house in about a month or so.

When reflecting on my love for my fur baby Kobi (chihuahua), it frightens me to think that I could possibly love anything more in this world. Several people have remarked to me that the love for your baby would surpass the love for your pet immensely, something that seems almost unimaginable to me at this time. Me and the hubby are very attached to Kobi, and I believe that I echo his sentiments when describing our love for him. We basically consider him to be our first born. I can honestly say that it breaks my heart to see that the little fur baby is aging before our eyes. He will be 6 years old on March 18, and quite a bit of white fur has already sprouted around his muzzle and eyes. It seems like yesterday that we brought him home and he was just the tiniest furball staring at us with those big black eyes. I guess I will probably be thinking the same sort of thing about our baby's growth in a few years time, minus the fur.

Just me...and the Little One...

One of the surprising symptoms that I have found to be related with pregnancy…is loneliness. I have probably not felt quite this lonely since high school, which was a horrible time for me. I have felt encapsulated in this bubble with barely anyone willing to penetrate it. This is not to say that my husband has not been supportive, however, the support of a man (particularly your husband and the father of your unborn child) is obviously not the same as support from friends, specifically female friends.

I will acknowledge that a large percentage of my friends are male, consequently making it uncharacteristic that I am longing to have the companion of female friends. I guess it never occurred to me that pregnancy and motherhood could cause such a division between friends. All of a sudden, it seems like there is nothing in common anymore. I have been repeatedly blown off by my closest friends. My attempts just seem to fall upon deaf ears. While I am completely aware that the motherly instincts may not come naturally to some females, I was surprised to find that I would even get the feeling that some individuals felt that pregnancy was something that was disgusting, and that it basically grossed them out to even touch my belly.

Throughout my life, I have always thought that pregnancy was beautiful, something that was ultra feminine and demonstrated our strength. While the reality of it is not quite as beautiful as the idea of it, and I have been shocked by some of the discomfort, it is only now striking a cord how my life is changing dramatically, not only slightly. I am also disturbed by the fact that I will probably have many lonely days ahead. Many other mothers have described being lonely with only the companion of their babies upon the birth of their babies.
I guess it’s just going to be me…and the little one…

The Vision and The Reality

So here’s the vision: Me with sleeping baby in the stroller walking down the street with a coffee in hand and my little fur baby, Kobi, following us. That is always what I envisioned when thinking of my future with a baby. Certainly, there are also a couple of other pleasant alternate visions, such as me and hubby holding hands, baby in a carrier on hubby with Kobi following as well, strolling down the street. Are these visions realistic? Perhaps they are too serene and peaceful when I know there are going to be many sleepless nights and tantrums along with lots of diapers and random other messes. Although, there must be moments that make it all worthwhile.

Along with the discomforts of pregnancy, a constant concern for me has been the weight gain. I’ve been battling with weight issues for pretty much all of my life. While I was growing up, I had been immersed with vigorous gymnastic training. My weight ballooned at the time I decided to quit the sport. Consequently, since that time, I had been constantly reminded about this concern. While I do not believe I can be labeled as overweight, I do know that I have a larger frame, particularly for a person of Asian ethnicity. I can be defined as “curvy”, however, in a world which is obsessed with extremely thin girls, this curviness feels like a curse to me. Prior to the pregnancy, I had developed a routine of Bikram’s yoga and working out, along with being very cognizant of my food intake. Only with this determination was I able to keep my weight down. Now, it is extremely frustrating to see my weight increase dramatically. People encourage me to embrace this time and not be concerned with the weight gain, but I simply cannot let it go, and I am incredibly frightened that I will never return to my pre-pregnancy weight, or at least something close to it. I know that this little one inside of me is worth all of the pain and discomfort, but sometimes, it is easy to lose sight of this.

22 Weeks and Counting...

The arrival of our baby seems to be rapidly approaching. It is all too real, leaving a sense of urgency to prepare and organize. My baby bump seems to be growing every day and more and more movement can be felt along with this progression. Last night, I was amazed by all the little flutters, making me wonder if the little one was doing summersaults in my belly.

Not knowing the gender of our baby has been the source of much frustration. We had originally been under the impression that we would be informed fairly early because Jeff’s mother had referred us to our OBGYN. She had even noted to our doctor that we would all like to know this information. The doctor simply told her to tell us that we should ask her, which would lead us to believe that as soon as she knew, she would tell us. To our dismay, it would appear that she had forgotten. When we asked her about the gender following our second ultrasound, she indicated that it was not even stated in the report from this office since they never reveal the gender. We honestly do not understand the reasoning behind her sending us to this office, consequently leading to the frustration. I can only be thankful that I had been proactive in scheduling another ultrasound, although its intent will be different in these circumstances. We had originally scheduled this additional 3D ultrasound, which requires a fee, because I thought it would be a waste to dismiss the technology available today that enables us to encapsulate memories of our baby in the womb. This ultrasound allows us thirty minutes of viewing of our baby, a DVD and images, along with the gender assessment. The focus will now be shifted primarily to the gender assessment.

Yesterday, we had yet another appointment at our OBGYN. These visits are never too pleasant since they always begin with the weigh in. I was pleased to see that there was not much weight gain. This is always followed by checking of my blood pressure (which was normal), and then a quick listen to the baby’s heartbeat with the fetal Doppler monitor (again, normal). Many of these visits also include a blood test, which is not pleasant for obvious reasons. I was informed that I would be sent for another test to check my blood sugar levels during my next visit (cringe). I was further informed that I would now have to increase my visits to every two weeks. This was the moment when I realized I would soon reach the third trimester of the pregnancy (yelp).

Pregnancy

I found out on October 21, 2009, that I was five weeks pregnant. Finally receiving the sign that I had been looking for, I embarked onto the next phase of my life. It’s funny when what you wanted to happen, finally happens. I didn’t really even know how to react. I knew I was happy and it had been what we had been hoping for…but all the while, it was still scary, and I knew I had a lot in store for me. I know I shouldn’t make it seem like we had been waiting for it to happen forever, since we had only been trying for a couple of months, but in a sense…I feel like I had been waiting for it to happen all my life.

The first trimester was in a word…uncomfortable. I was nauseous for most of the day, and when I wasn’t, I had heartburn (and I had never even experienced heartburn before). A range of food smells would make me go running for a bathroom. I guess I never expected that I would feel so…uncomfortable. Furthermore, I wasn’t allowed to tell everyone about my situation so along with the discomfort, I felt like everyone around me was just thinking that I randomly gained a lot of weight rapidly.

It felt like forever by the time I reached the second trimester. Most of the nausea and heartburn has disappeared, which I am very grateful for. However, there is a list of other issues that have arisen. It is pretty funny that when you’re pregnant, basically everything that is usually abnormal…is normal. I could list several ailments to my OBGYN, and she can one by one indicate that they are all normal for some reason during pregnancy. I’ve had everything from nose bleeds, leg cramps, water retention, rashes etc. They are all apparently…normal. Along with the long list of ailments, my belly has expanded quite dramatically during the last little while. I guess this can be a bit of a relief, since it is now obvious that I am pregnant, rather than just getting fat randomly.

I know that there is a lot more in store for me in the coming months. I can only hope that everything else continues on schedule and we have a healthy happy baby come into our lives in June (or July if late).