Sensitivity...

I do not think it is ever pleasant for anyone to feel lonely any time in life. However, I also believe that when you are lonely and pregnant, the situation is magnified 100 percent. During the last few days (perhaps because I have not been very busy), I have been having a really hard time trying to shake the feeling of loneliness and sadness. The heartbreak I had described in my last blog seems ever so present, and I feel as if I am walking in a cloud for most of the day. To make matters worse, the baby seems to be dropping down lower and the weight of him is becoming very heavy. Trying to go about my daily routine is consequently becoming more and more difficult.

Exactly a year ago, I was on my honeymoon and in probably the best shape of my life. I had such high hopes for the future and our plans. Now, although everything is seemingly still on course, I am feeling angst and not satisfied with my place in life right now. While I am hopeful that everything will fall in place the moment I have our baby boy in my arms, it is still frightening. It is also extremely unsettling to feel like I am embarking on this new chapter in life with not a friend in sight. I wish I was being melodramatic, but this is honestly how I feel at this time. I am also extremely concerned that I may never lose the baby weight, which would definitely not help my already extremely insecure self esteem.

On the outside, I am trying my best to maintain the persona of contentment. Particularly to family, it is important that I remain positive for the baby. I would not want to cause the commotion of everyone becoming aware of my depressed state. I feel quite drained from trying to uphold this persona. By the time I go to bed, I am usually exhausted, although I still manage to wake up several times at night feeling at a loss, sometimes succumbing to the tears that seem to well up in my eyes quite easily.

I could only pray that my baby’s personality will not be anything like my own. To have been cursed with sensitivity, the last thing I would want is my baby to have to endure the trials and tribulations of having a personality that does not deflect harsh words. I want him to have a strong back bone, allowing unwanted criticism and judgment to simply roll off his back.

One of the visions that I have recently been having involves me being completed isolated and secluded with the baby at home. I am so afraid of the loneliness of this time, particularly because we are unable to leave home for the first month after birth as per Chinese custom. What if nobody visits? My biggest fears would be confirmed.

Heartbroken...

My emotions have been all over the map in the last few weeks. It has been a rollercoaster ride to say the least. I went from a high (when we found out that we were having a boy) to an extreme low (when I found out someone I thought I knew so well, turned out to be someone completely different than I had thought). There was also a brief vacation in the midst of it all, which made me temporarily remove myself from reality.

The experience of finding out the gender of my baby was incredible. We went for a 3D ultrasound, which felt like we met our baby for the first time. We watched him for half an hour while he moved around, yawned, and seemingly got angry at us for invading on his private time. As we stared at his little features, the reality of this baby seemed to set in. His little features seem to be an exact replica of his father. Our little baby boy could now be seen as a distinct individual from all other babies. I would recommend this experience to any mother/father-to-be.

Amidst this great moment in our lives though, I could not help but feel that something was askew; a person in particular that had basically removed herself completely from my life. It had been a feeling I could not shake for some time now. I have reflected on the loneliness of pregnancy on several previous blogs, but I know that this feeling is in direct correlation with the relationship (or lack thereof) with this person. I know it is stupid that I could let a single individual affect me in this way (possibly even having an effect on my baby), but for some reason, it has been haunting me. I am torn when remembering the person I thought I knew, and then acknowledging the person as she is presenting herself to me now. In confronting her, she simply disregarded my concerns and placed the blame on me. I would honestly like to believe that it was my hormones or there were other outside forces, and it was not really her. I do not feel I am not rational though. So I am left looking like a fool…a fool for expecting the warmth of a friend.

I am utterly heartbroken.