Just me...and the Little One...

One of the surprising symptoms that I have found to be related with pregnancy…is loneliness. I have probably not felt quite this lonely since high school, which was a horrible time for me. I have felt encapsulated in this bubble with barely anyone willing to penetrate it. This is not to say that my husband has not been supportive, however, the support of a man (particularly your husband and the father of your unborn child) is obviously not the same as support from friends, specifically female friends.

I will acknowledge that a large percentage of my friends are male, consequently making it uncharacteristic that I am longing to have the companion of female friends. I guess it never occurred to me that pregnancy and motherhood could cause such a division between friends. All of a sudden, it seems like there is nothing in common anymore. I have been repeatedly blown off by my closest friends. My attempts just seem to fall upon deaf ears. While I am completely aware that the motherly instincts may not come naturally to some females, I was surprised to find that I would even get the feeling that some individuals felt that pregnancy was something that was disgusting, and that it basically grossed them out to even touch my belly.

Throughout my life, I have always thought that pregnancy was beautiful, something that was ultra feminine and demonstrated our strength. While the reality of it is not quite as beautiful as the idea of it, and I have been shocked by some of the discomfort, it is only now striking a cord how my life is changing dramatically, not only slightly. I am also disturbed by the fact that I will probably have many lonely days ahead. Many other mothers have described being lonely with only the companion of their babies upon the birth of their babies.
I guess it’s just going to be me…and the little one…

The Vision and The Reality

So here’s the vision: Me with sleeping baby in the stroller walking down the street with a coffee in hand and my little fur baby, Kobi, following us. That is always what I envisioned when thinking of my future with a baby. Certainly, there are also a couple of other pleasant alternate visions, such as me and hubby holding hands, baby in a carrier on hubby with Kobi following as well, strolling down the street. Are these visions realistic? Perhaps they are too serene and peaceful when I know there are going to be many sleepless nights and tantrums along with lots of diapers and random other messes. Although, there must be moments that make it all worthwhile.

Along with the discomforts of pregnancy, a constant concern for me has been the weight gain. I’ve been battling with weight issues for pretty much all of my life. While I was growing up, I had been immersed with vigorous gymnastic training. My weight ballooned at the time I decided to quit the sport. Consequently, since that time, I had been constantly reminded about this concern. While I do not believe I can be labeled as overweight, I do know that I have a larger frame, particularly for a person of Asian ethnicity. I can be defined as “curvy”, however, in a world which is obsessed with extremely thin girls, this curviness feels like a curse to me. Prior to the pregnancy, I had developed a routine of Bikram’s yoga and working out, along with being very cognizant of my food intake. Only with this determination was I able to keep my weight down. Now, it is extremely frustrating to see my weight increase dramatically. People encourage me to embrace this time and not be concerned with the weight gain, but I simply cannot let it go, and I am incredibly frightened that I will never return to my pre-pregnancy weight, or at least something close to it. I know that this little one inside of me is worth all of the pain and discomfort, but sometimes, it is easy to lose sight of this.

22 Weeks and Counting...

The arrival of our baby seems to be rapidly approaching. It is all too real, leaving a sense of urgency to prepare and organize. My baby bump seems to be growing every day and more and more movement can be felt along with this progression. Last night, I was amazed by all the little flutters, making me wonder if the little one was doing summersaults in my belly.

Not knowing the gender of our baby has been the source of much frustration. We had originally been under the impression that we would be informed fairly early because Jeff’s mother had referred us to our OBGYN. She had even noted to our doctor that we would all like to know this information. The doctor simply told her to tell us that we should ask her, which would lead us to believe that as soon as she knew, she would tell us. To our dismay, it would appear that she had forgotten. When we asked her about the gender following our second ultrasound, she indicated that it was not even stated in the report from this office since they never reveal the gender. We honestly do not understand the reasoning behind her sending us to this office, consequently leading to the frustration. I can only be thankful that I had been proactive in scheduling another ultrasound, although its intent will be different in these circumstances. We had originally scheduled this additional 3D ultrasound, which requires a fee, because I thought it would be a waste to dismiss the technology available today that enables us to encapsulate memories of our baby in the womb. This ultrasound allows us thirty minutes of viewing of our baby, a DVD and images, along with the gender assessment. The focus will now be shifted primarily to the gender assessment.

Yesterday, we had yet another appointment at our OBGYN. These visits are never too pleasant since they always begin with the weigh in. I was pleased to see that there was not much weight gain. This is always followed by checking of my blood pressure (which was normal), and then a quick listen to the baby’s heartbeat with the fetal Doppler monitor (again, normal). Many of these visits also include a blood test, which is not pleasant for obvious reasons. I was informed that I would be sent for another test to check my blood sugar levels during my next visit (cringe). I was further informed that I would now have to increase my visits to every two weeks. This was the moment when I realized I would soon reach the third trimester of the pregnancy (yelp).

Pregnancy

I found out on October 21, 2009, that I was five weeks pregnant. Finally receiving the sign that I had been looking for, I embarked onto the next phase of my life. It’s funny when what you wanted to happen, finally happens. I didn’t really even know how to react. I knew I was happy and it had been what we had been hoping for…but all the while, it was still scary, and I knew I had a lot in store for me. I know I shouldn’t make it seem like we had been waiting for it to happen forever, since we had only been trying for a couple of months, but in a sense…I feel like I had been waiting for it to happen all my life.

The first trimester was in a word…uncomfortable. I was nauseous for most of the day, and when I wasn’t, I had heartburn (and I had never even experienced heartburn before). A range of food smells would make me go running for a bathroom. I guess I never expected that I would feel so…uncomfortable. Furthermore, I wasn’t allowed to tell everyone about my situation so along with the discomfort, I felt like everyone around me was just thinking that I randomly gained a lot of weight rapidly.

It felt like forever by the time I reached the second trimester. Most of the nausea and heartburn has disappeared, which I am very grateful for. However, there is a list of other issues that have arisen. It is pretty funny that when you’re pregnant, basically everything that is usually abnormal…is normal. I could list several ailments to my OBGYN, and she can one by one indicate that they are all normal for some reason during pregnancy. I’ve had everything from nose bleeds, leg cramps, water retention, rashes etc. They are all apparently…normal. Along with the long list of ailments, my belly has expanded quite dramatically during the last little while. I guess this can be a bit of a relief, since it is now obvious that I am pregnant, rather than just getting fat randomly.

I know that there is a lot more in store for me in the coming months. I can only hope that everything else continues on schedule and we have a healthy happy baby come into our lives in June (or July if late).