Sad...

It is sad when you realize that something that used to fit you so well, is no longer the right fit. It feel like everything is suddenly unaligned and you are scrambling to put it all back together. I guess in life, it can feel like a puzzle. When pieces come together, it feels miraculous and you feel just a little more complete. But when a piece comes apart, you are fumbling around with all the loose pieces frantically trying to make one finally fit in its place. I HATE this feeling. I was talking to my best friend today, and she said that the word "hate" was a very strong word. So I told her that it was the right word to use then.

It is quite a revelation when you realize you are so close to a melt down from the stress in your life. I actually would like to get sick, or injured, to be able to take a break from my life. I think the part that is the most scary for me is that I know I cannot even afford to take a little break. I am bound by my debts. It is honestly enough to make me want to run screaming through the streets. I just need a break. I need an out. God, please give me a sign that there is an end to this...please show me that there is some justice in this world...

Duty

I watched today as a friend left for a new adventure in her life. I could not help but feel envy for never having had the chance to be able to do the same. There has always been far too many responsibilities in my adult life and too many financial burdens that I cannot simply leave behind for others to pick up the slack. I have never fully understood how some people have the audacity to leave everything behind, and their loved ones are left to pick up the pieces frantically. A scene in Sense and Sensibility comes to mind when I think about my sense of duty. Marianne asks why Elinor did not express her feelings when she found out about Edward's relationship with another woman:

"Always resignation and acceptance...always prudence, honor and duty. Elinor, where is your heart?" Marianne asks.
"What do you know of my heart? What do you know of anything but your own suffering?" Elinor retorts.

While the love of my life was not taken from me, I can definitely empathize with Elinor's situation. I also feel trapped because of my situation, and I spend an abnormal amount of time trying to conceal my weaknesses. However this, does not mean that I do not feel all the emotions of despair inside, by any means.

Motivation

Recently, I have come to realize that there are new opportunities that can surface if you open yourself to change. I have often shuttered at the thought of change, as it is unknown and scary. I must now find it in myself to embrace it, and view my past experiences (and mistakes) as having been a learning tool for my future experiences. I refuse to allow myself to be trapped and stagnant.

I cannot say that this sudden clarity was not propelled by recent events that have left me feeling lost. However, I have to look at today as the first day to the rest of my life, and deal with the situation I have now been presented with. I can only hope for the best. Perhaps I am also trying to prove my horoscope wrong, as it told me that today would be a day of rampant pessimism. Nonetheless, I refuse to be defeated, and will rise above it all. I will attempt to not be intimidated by anything that comes my way.

In reflecting on my life, I know that I am lucky in many ways. I am blessed with a wonderful husband who loves me dearly, a few notably caring friends and a generally supportive family. I have however also always been plagued with financial difficulty, basically for as long as I can remember. It just seems that whenever I believe that my financial situation is improving, something will happen which rocks my world. I am then again left with this completely powerless feeling, and need to find the motivation within.

So the motivational speech within goes something like this:

I know I need to stay strong. I cannot let this get me down. I have always been a very determined person. I cannot let it get to me. I am an asset. I have to be of the view that you learn from your mistakes and you grow. I cannot let it take me down without a fight. It does not define me. I will come out on the other side. I refuse to be weak. I will not make excuses and be a victim. I am a fighter. I will fight for myself, respect myself. I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I am not defeated. There is no reason to believe people will help you, so do it for yourself. Prove it to them all. I must keep my eyes on the ball. There is no point to lose focus and make matters worse. I have got to just hold my head up. Feeling down on myself will only make other doubt me. I will not fail. I refuse to be looked down upon by anyone.

Dream Scenario

With everything that has been happening recently, I must take a moment to dream and forget about reality. We will try the lottery win scenario:

After winning the lottery, I will first quit all of my jobs, including marching into one of the offices and enthusiastically state that “I QUIT!” and perhaps even give them a piece of my mind about the inequality and lack of moral. I will then proceed to pay off all of my debts. Once everything is at a positive balance, I will book a long vacation for me and my husband, where we will visit all the destinations that we never had the chance (or money) to visit prior to the win. I will purchase several pieces of Louis Vuitton luggage and then, we would be on our way. During the trip, we would actually take the time to relax, visit family, have our friends and relatives join us during certain parts of our trip, and try to fulfill all of our travel desires. Upon our return, I would purchase a new home and either start my own business or invest, being as careful with the money as possible.

I guess when I take a look at my lottery win dream scenario, it really is not all that extravagant. The most exciting part for me is the idea of being debt free and not being a slave to my jobs because of the burden of the debts. Ultimately, my ideals are simple and I just want to have enough financial security to raise a family and not feel guilty for wanting a few material things along the way. I just need a break, some good luck, before I mentally break down.

Disappointment

Recently, I have found that I have been very disappointed in humanity. I am disappointed with its lack of compassion and sensitivity. People do not seem to think twice about the impact of their actions to others. They do not seem to hesitate when playing with people’s livelihood. This leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth and a troubling feeling in the pit in my stomach. I have not really been able to shake this feeling for about a month now.

Every once in a while, I am reminded of certain unpleasant events in my life. I remember the devastation, the anguish, the feeling of defeat and ridicule. I cannot help but have those feelings resurface sporadically. I guess in retrospect, these events helped define and shape the person that I am today, however, it does not make it any easier when those feelings resurface and I have to relive the series of events in my head.

One memory I would like to forget, unfolded when I was in high school. While I know it was a long time ago, and I often try to convince myself that I am not the same girl, it haunts me to this day. In grade 8, someone had thought they saw a Kleenex fall from my bra and soon after, a rumor spread that I stuffed my bra (which was not true). I received harassment in various forms, the most intrusive being a slew of prank calls leading me to even phone the authorities. I was utterly devastated. It ultimately led me to wear vests and other outerwear which would cover my chest, for pretty much the remainder of high school. During the summer of that year, I remember going over to a friend’s house and reading through her yearbook. On one of the pages was a picture drawn of me with an oversized chest. I remember simply started to weep uncontrollably. The funny thing about this story is that I actually spoke to the girl, who was the artist of this picture, many years later, and she did not even remember drawing it. She even felt bad for making me feel the way that I did. It does however illustrate how people often do not think about how their actions could affect others.

Unsettled...

My situation during the last month has been very unsettling. It seems that everything that I believed was secure, is suddenly not secure and I am left with a feeling that I must reevaluate my life professionally. Typical of life, when the professional life is chaotic, everything is fine with the personal life. I guess I should be glad that not EVERYTHING is falling apart. However, with my financial situation the way it is, it is hard to not take the turbulence in my professional life personally, particularly because it could potentially alter my life, and the lives of my family members, dramatically.

A little tidbit about me is that I am a sheep. I am not just speaking theoretically but I was also born the year of the sheep. My best friend often tells me that my personality is the personification of a sheep. I actually hate this trait and wish I could just rise above and refuse to live my life as a doormat, but I am not sure I even have it in me. Essentially, I feel like you just cannot win in this world. If you are too outspoken, people think you are too aggressive and you get in trouble. If you are like me and like to stay under the radar and follow the trend, people ask why you did not voice your opinion. My conclusion is basically that you are damned if you do, and you are damned if you don't.

Over the last week, I watched as a couple of my co-workers were let go. I was stunned. However, the most unsettling part about it, was that it did not feel like it was the end. It felt like it was the beginning of further change. The thought of losing my job is absolutely devastating, which leads me to feel the need to be ahead of the game. However, with the economy the way it has been, I feel like this is the wrong time, compounded with the fact that we have been trying to start a family. I guess the inevitable questions is whether I should be focusing on my career or my family. However, without enough income coming in, how do we enjoy our personal lives?

Black Hole

It has been a long road, the past couple of years, since I took charge of my family’s financial burdens. I have probably grown more than I thought I ever could in this timeframe. I guess that is what happens when you are forced to face reality, and there is no one else you can turn to who would be willing to take charge. I basically gathered up all my strength and courage, and faced the music. I refused to be defeated, although it has certainly thrown me into the gutter on more than several occasions. While I value the fact that it has taught me that I am stronger than I thought I could ever be, I also mourn the loss of my youth. I mourn the loss of freedom, the loss of independence and everything that accompanies being young and free of responsibility. I feel as though it was all cut short, and I was required to simply grow up at a moments notice. My life’s goal became simply to deal with the burdens, after all, it was my responsibility, my duty, my obligation. I had no choice. I could not fail. It is funny how the world works in such cruel ways.

I tend to have a strange reaction when I get a glimpse of the way other people my age are able to spend their time and money. It is such mixed emotions of jealousy, envy and sadness for the loss of my youth. My days are revolved around work. I work basically seven days a week. I actually feel like I am on vacation when I happen to have a weekend off. Those rare weekends are essentially planned and highly anticipated for me. The real disappointment comes when these weekends are over and the cycle begins yet again. I have to wait for what seems like an eternity, for my next day off. It is a truly a sad existence, but it is mine. I wonder when I will emerge from the black hole.