Darkness...

I feel like I have been spiraling down an endless abyss of darkness for months now. It is as if every time I believe I had hit rock bottom, something happens, and I go a little further down. My best friend told me last week that I simply must stop writing depressing entries on my blog, but it seems that perhaps it is this depression, that has brought out the writer in me. I know that in life, it can often be a matter of perception, but I honestly cannot see the light in my dark hole.

I spoke with another friend today, and surprisingly, my feelings of anguish came out quite naturally. Perhaps I had reached the end of my ability to stay strong and I simply had to release my feelings of sadness and frustration. The tears simply flowed...something I had not truly allowed throughout these last horrendous few months. I guess it was bound to happen. After allowing myself to speak freely about the sequence of events and the accompanying feelings, my friend suggested something that I had not considered. She said that the feelings I had described to her, all suggested that perhaps a stress leave was in order, and she encouraged me to go to my doctor. This is something I had never thought would be an option, and moreover, something I had never thought I would ever consider. When you look at how it is perceived in society, it is somewhat seem as a cop out, carried out by individuals that may be seen as slackers. The only time it is acceptable is if someone has experience something extremely traumatic in their life. The inevitable question is...would I really qualify for this? Have I finally reached a point in my life where a breakdown is so near that drastic measures are required? All I know is that if I do not receive some good news soon, something will have to give...

Bound

I let it slip the other night, at the dinner table, that I wished I could be in a car accident if it meant that I would be able to take off a month from work. My brother-in-law had just declared that he would be returning to his doctor to ask for a note for yet another week off from work after being in a car accident. The response from the table was one of shock and dismay that I would even say something like that aloud. I guess it was more of a slip up. I really usually only think these types of thoughts in my head. I guess I just find that people generally do not want to know the whole truth.

A couple of friends of mine also recently announced that they were expecting, which was of course received by envy from me. I had previously enthusiastically discussed getting pregnant together with my friend. She had been quite nonchalant about it, leaving me to think that she may not even really want to get pregnant. Now, she's three and a half months ahead of me already, and it just does not seem to be happening for me.

Growing up, I cannot say that I had ever thought that I would be career oriented. I hoped that I would get an average job, marry in my mid twenties, and have a baby shortly thereafter. In terms of my personal life, I am basically behind schedule. With my thirtieth birthday looming, I have only recently gotten married, and I still have no bun in the oven. I guess life throws you for a loop. Ironically, I have become a person who could be seen as quite career driven, although not by choice. Life has simply showed me how money rules the world, and people can be consumed by it if they do not play by its rules. Ultimately, there is no escape for me...I am bound to it.