Black Hole

It has been a long road, the past couple of years, since I took charge of my family’s financial burdens. I have probably grown more than I thought I ever could in this timeframe. I guess that is what happens when you are forced to face reality, and there is no one else you can turn to who would be willing to take charge. I basically gathered up all my strength and courage, and faced the music. I refused to be defeated, although it has certainly thrown me into the gutter on more than several occasions. While I value the fact that it has taught me that I am stronger than I thought I could ever be, I also mourn the loss of my youth. I mourn the loss of freedom, the loss of independence and everything that accompanies being young and free of responsibility. I feel as though it was all cut short, and I was required to simply grow up at a moments notice. My life’s goal became simply to deal with the burdens, after all, it was my responsibility, my duty, my obligation. I had no choice. I could not fail. It is funny how the world works in such cruel ways.

I tend to have a strange reaction when I get a glimpse of the way other people my age are able to spend their time and money. It is such mixed emotions of jealousy, envy and sadness for the loss of my youth. My days are revolved around work. I work basically seven days a week. I actually feel like I am on vacation when I happen to have a weekend off. Those rare weekends are essentially planned and highly anticipated for me. The real disappointment comes when these weekends are over and the cycle begins yet again. I have to wait for what seems like an eternity, for my next day off. It is a truly a sad existence, but it is mine. I wonder when I will emerge from the black hole.